we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
