at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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