i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pants are for mortals
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
