Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
