On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
