sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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