I wish I could teleport
I'm going to jail i love you
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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