I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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