Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Holy shit dude........stairs
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