I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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