I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
