I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
