you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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