my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
