We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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