if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
