So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
40s are totally the cure
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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