Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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