Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
