she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
