Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
