god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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