smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
