I murdered the dance floor call the cops
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
