so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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