He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
