wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
