So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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