Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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