I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
