I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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