I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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