Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
