"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
