I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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