I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
