Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
