To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
