I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
