this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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