Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
