oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
