I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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