so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
