So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
