Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You are the jesus of drinking
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
