Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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