Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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