Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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