Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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