Soap is not a condiment
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
A bitchslap is in order.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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