Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
