There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
